I was reading a woman's story on how she dealt with a deadly cancer diagnosis. She was young, married, and had two small children. When it was time to accept how she would spend her last days, she knew her two choices were; I can be with my husband and children every single second of every day, or I can watch from afar and allow my husband to start a routine with the children that will one day be their new normal. I do not remember where I read this story, and I can not tell you all the other details, but I only needed to remember the most important part. She had to decide between choosing God first by letting God increase, and she decreases, or vice versa. If God is first, the rest will work itself out, so she chooses to decrease and allows God to prepare her family to live without her. It took more courage to make the right decision than to prolong what you know is the truth of the outcome: a cause and an effect. The choice to go the other way would have worked too, and God will sometimes allow it the other way, but at what cost; this is where God is working for your good.
I apply this "decision" making of hers into my major life-changing events. The way I parent, the way I am a wife, and any other relationships in my life. I measure up where is God, and where am I? Am I making decisions based on God or me? Now, don't get it twisted, lol; I am important in the equation because God Loves me, and He wants to give me blessings, but if I ask God for a blessing, I have to be willing to meet God in the middle and say I will accept your will be done, either way, God. These prayers have taken me lots of time to understand the depth of what I am asking of God and what I am willing to give up. A blessing and a sacrifice. When death is on the table, I put everything on the line as a sacrifice.
During my mom's coma state for 52 days, I struggled with turning off her ventilator because I felt that I was playing God. How can God do a miracle if I interrupt? Being in these kinds of conversations with God is so hard. Then, several stories came to us that matched close to my mom's Covid pneumonia sickness, and they were healed. One lady said it was like God raising Lazarus from the dead. I struggled more having heard about these miracle stories, and I thought this was a sign from God. I realized later that satan was allowing these stories so I would increase and God decreases. God saw my struggle, and then God told me like a whisper to remember that Lazarus did die again; this set me free to go back to what am I asking God for and what is God trying to tell me? God is waiting to prepare me for His outcome regardless because either outcome will be a battle. There is no 100% healing involved in this outcome. If life is what I am asking for from God, then death will still be on the table if God heals my mom; nothing would "really" change for my mom.
All the amazing miracles God has done, He started with the making of this universe. I have also realized He did miracles without anyone asking Him. We don't get in the car drunk and say, God help me with the drive home. We do pray for a safe journey any other time in the right frame of mind. I will use a snake for another example, do we hold a poisonous snake, assuming if the snake bits me or not, God will heal me? Do we test God like satan did 40 days in the desert? Is our blessing sounding like satan negotiating with Jesus, that if your God does that..., or will your God do this...? Realizing this scenario freed me more and lined my praying up with God. I knew He knew my prayers, but I was not listening for His answer, or maybe I knew the answer but would not accept the answer?
Some do not know about my husband being in a car wreck in the middle of my life falling apart. A long story short, my husband blacked out and hit two trees sometime between 9:30 and 12:00 on April 22, a Thursday night. Chris or I did not pray to have a safe ride home; we took it for granted. His car, a brand new Mustang that was not even two months owned, caught on fire. The police, ambulance, and the fire department found Chris on the ground unconscious. I was woken up by the police in my house at 12:30 that night, telling me that my husband has been in a car wreck and his face is severely damaged; we do not know the extent of other injuries. Fast-forward, Chris suffered a broken cheekbone, split lip, and his right eye swollen shut. He did not break his back but did fracture L3 and L4 in his spine; that is it! Do not forget I still have my 92-year-old grandmother I am taking care of with vascular dementia. At this point, I become concerned with my mental safety with what God is allowing to happen to me. Surly God, I can only take so much? Then God whispered to me; a miracle is not asked for; it is a blessing. All the times that I have said to myself, how did I survive that, or how did I get out of that situation? God was already handling it and working it out for my good. When I realized this revelation, I started to listen and wait for what God was going to do with my mom. Nothing left for me to do. I had to give my mom to God and wait.
This blog post ends with us deciding to turn the ventilator off. Mom passed quickly on May 24, 2021 at the young age of 64. We were not "killing" my mom, as I was feeling like I was doing, but to let her go in peace to be able to up-hold my part with God. To decrease to the point that I can understand the true depth of LOVE! We won't skip death; this is a harsh reality of Love. I describe it like this; you can not turn satan into a princess. Dress satan up all you want to, but the soul of satan is already dead. It is what it is!
I will stand by my plan to love my mom as she is in heaven, not from the grave. This process allowed me to do my mom's hair and makeup the day before her funeral, and I took that BIG blessing that God ordained and satan tried to take from me. I got to spend quality time with my mom before we buried her flesh. God did not just answer my prayer for Him to give me peace with His decision about taking my mom but, by His will and His strength, allowed me to FEEL that my mom being with Him will always be the best decision.